Y’all know how much I love to fly, right? Being thousands of feet in the air, in a crowded, flying machine totally in someone else’s control does not make me anxious at all. My kids were so excited though so I tried to act like it was the greatest day ever. As soon as we took our seats Liam was asking non-stop “When are we going to BLAST OFF?” That calmed my nerves. I thought it would be smart to sit Lydia and me together with Liam and Jared behind us so that both kids had a window seat. We each had the responsibility of one child. Sounded heavenly. However, that left available seats next to me and Jared. Traveling from Atlanta. Bad idea. Madea sat by me. She had Coca-Cola can dyed red hair and at least three inch purple fingernails filed to a point dazzled with gold jewels. How is that not considered a weapon? She could’ve cut me! Big momma, Madea, didn’t exactly fit in her seat so I spent the almost four hour flight hunched over Lydia’s seat and Madea’s arm was still rubbing me.  She spent ten minutes trying to get her phone on airplane mode because her purple sparkly nails were so long that she could not use the pad of her finger to swipe her phone. Her carry on was a family size bag of Doritos. Half way through the flight she decided that she needed to open her carry on and consume some cheddar deliciousness. I mean, if you are going to bring a snack on a plane shouldn’t you choose something that doesn’t have such a strong smell? I love me some Doritos, but come on! Well, again her nails were so long that she could not grasp the bag properly to open it. So she POPPED THE BAG OPEN RIGHT IN MY FACE! Y’all, it blew my hair, I swear it did! And I really wanted to say “Well, now that I have those in my hair and can taste them, you should probably offer me one. It is family size, after all.”  But I refrained. Just after Big Momma had licked her fingers and settled in for a nap, Lydia had to pee. I tapped her on the shoulder and told her that my little girl needed to use the restroom. She tried to get up three times, failed three times, and then motioned for me to go ahead as if I could pass her. There was no room to pass her, y’all. So I stood for a minute thinking of the best way to straddle a perfect stranger. Do you go butt to front or front to front? What was I to do?  So I straddled her, and by straddled I basically mean I sat on her lap to get over her as I am not that tall, and I chose front to front trying to avoid eye contact.  My hands were bracing the seat on both sides of her head too. Then I hoisted Lydia over her. We used the freakishly small and terrifying bathroom and then straddled Madea some more. And I am not the only one that got to straddle a stranger. Jared too had quite the flight. The lady that sat next to him sat down, never took her sunglasses off, and asked Jared to wake her up when the snacks came. He said okay, but he did not wake her and when she woke up angry he gave her Liam’s snacks. She slept the whole time, with sunglasses on, breathing in Jared’s face. He had to climb over her to take Liam to the bathroom, but he chose butt to front. And that, my friends, was the first of many flights this summer. Yay!


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